Monday, June 6, 2011

BREAKING NEWZ--DC, Reboots, Tacos--Yes, This Is Totally A Thing

Today, DC Comics announced that, concurrent with its multiple initiatives regarding their planned September reboot of the DC Universe, day and date digital releases, and retailer incentives, the comics giant will also be offering one free taco for every issue of their 52 new #1's sold.

"We felt like it was only fair, really," said Bob Wayne, senior VP of sales of DC Comics. "We've really bent over backwards to get this digital thing up and running and done everything we could to make the retailers feel like we weren't throwing them under a bus and chasing the iPad idiots, and we felt that we needed to do something at the consumer level to make this go down easy. And just at once, everyone said "TACOS," and we knew it was absolutely the right way to go."

"DC Comics has known for nearly 80 years how to do superheroes right, and we've also known that everyone--everyone--loves tacos. Even more if they're free. Free makes everything taste better. I don't understand that part--work it out for yourself."

"I won't F%#$K this up," promised Jim Lee. "I know that before, my recurring taco binges have ruined scheduling on Wildcats and All-Star Batman, but I can't be held responsible: I love tacos that god damned much. I told Frank and Grant both 'look guys, whether it's a monkey on a back or a demon in the sack, I have to have tacos. I have to have a lot of them, and when I eat too much, I will pass out for months or, years, at a time, and when I wake up . . .sometimes I don't even know who I am anymore."

"So Geoff [Johns] and I made a deal--we'd give the tacos to the readers this time, and maybe if I kept to the schedule for six or twelve issues, I'd get one. Let me tell you something--I can taste that fucking thing right now, too. You guys are so lucky to be getting these things, man."

Lee's redesigns of the Justice League, featuring V-Neck uniforms for the majority of the Leaguers, is a reference to his taco-eating days.

"It's there to remind me, really," Lee remarked. "I used to wear V-necks a lot to cover up the taco neck-wattle I got from eating so many tacos."

While this initiative is considered bold and ground-breaking (the last "free food with comic" plan being, of course, the disastrous "Free Hobo Chili With A Heroes Reborn Issue" back in 1997, which cost rival Marvel Comics millions in public sewer fees and mandated public restrooms in all new comic stores) recent writer for DC Comics and creator of Babylon 5 J. Michael Straczynski remarked recently "Actually, Dan [DiDio] wanted to do this "free taco" thing a long time ago, at least as recently as Final Crisis. But I ate all the tacos, and then I muttered something about Superman walking around for a year . . .I . . .think. You'll have to ask him, I'm just waking up now. Oh shit . . .they didn't really publish that, did they?"

"I really don't like the term 'reboot', especially in light of this announcement," Geoff Johns, Chief Creative Officer at DC Comics. "I look at the relaunch and the tacos thing as a return to our roots, really. I can remember back in 1984 or so, after a disastrous Super Bowling Saturday when I was trying to ring one of those stupid traffic cones and win the Martian Manhunter figure I needed, my mom bought me a taco and a copy of Infinity Inc, I think. A big blob of salsa fell on the pages while I was reading it and I think that's when I really got the idea of how superheroes should be, you know? Looking at the Infinitors fighting Helix, covered in red stuff, slightly mangled."

"But I really hope the fans like this," he continued. "I like the idea of fans getting free stuff that doesn't involve Frisbees or stupid traffic cones. So I think this will be real good for the industry. Oh, and if anyone has that Martian Manhunter figure and wants to sell it, my e-mail is"

"It's what we've been building to the entire time I've been at DC," Dan Didio, Co-Publisher of DC Comics added. "I mean, we had other stuff that we'd been building to the entire time at DC, sure, but this is the latest thing. It's a bit like the game Jenga, you know--you build on top of what's already been built, pull bits out and stack them on top and try to build them up, hope it doesn't collapse until it's the other guy's turn. I've been trying to make that happen for awhile."

"I'm really positive this will be a game-changer for the entire industry, not just DC Comics," DiDio said, munching on a taco. "I know comic fans hear empty hype all the time, but I will tell you this right now: Whatever you think of me, or DC Comics, or superhero comics, or anything, this is what you should take away from this: DC Comics will give you a free taco."

Industry insiders are stunned by this new initiative, as it's kept DC Comics this focus of a news cycle for a mind-boggling amount of time, but recommend caution, because the combination of free tacos, 52 #1 issues, and the state of most comic shops public restrooms could lead to what Biff Webster of Thwipp! Comics in Pungo, Virginia describes as "a hellscape not seen in my fevered nightmares ever since that time I smoked Bubble Yum and listened to that Morrisey album."

Nevertheless, Webster is positive. "Everyone knows print is dead," he said. "Because no one even makes paper products anymore. When was the last time you saw a book? But tacos? Tacos are definitely the future. I think there are many people who eat tacos who will read DC Comics, possibly because the issues are the ideal length to read on the john."


C. Elam said...

I have the spread the newz on Twitter. And really, I have no trouble at all believing this in its entirety.

Kazekage said...

Oh my dream is that this becomes a meme, and DC is almost shamed into ACTUALLY having to give out free tacos, so I can one day explain, with a straight face, why I started this thing in the first place.

Diana Kingston-Gabai said...

Given the average quality of a DC product, the question must be asked: do you really want their tacos? :)

Kazekage said...

Given the average quality of the DC product and the fact that most of the people responsible for the old DC are involved in the new one . . .do you want the reboot?