The Whole Damn Thing: THE OFFICIAL HANDBOOK OF THE MARVEL UNIVERSE (1983) #9

Hi kids! Today we have a special guest commentator, and in the name of not keeping you in suspense, let's introduce him now:

Doctor Robert "Bruce" David Banner: Physician, Scientist. Searching for a way to tap into the hidden strengths all men possess. Then an accidental overdose of gamma radiation alters his body chemistry. And now, when Bruce Banner becomes angry, outraged, or asked to recap yet another Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe, a startling metamorphosis occurs. The creature is driven by rage and Twinkies and is pursued by a blogger to recap everyone in issue #9 (From Quasar to She-Hulk) Bruce Banner is believed to be dead, and by the end of this may very well be dead, unless he can find a way to recap the 32 pages that stand before him.

Yes, this is the All-Hulk Recap.

QUASAR--Quasar white-meat babyface of Marvel. Hulk not seen push for new character like this since Mikey Whipwreck. Quasar generally exist as vehicle for Mark Gruenwald's exploration of cosmic Marvel and continuity backwaters, which dodge issue of fact he take powers and costume of a dead guy. But then, guy dead, why he care?

QUICKSILVER--Given number of dicks and assholes in Marvel Universe, Hulk sometimes wonder if his life gay porno. Quicksilver power run very fast, be asshole. He bang Crystal, have child, go crazy, which make Hulk wonder if Quesada right and marriage terrible misstep in ongoing soap-opera narrative.

RADIOACTIVE MAN--Dr. Chen Lu get radioactive and green, wear skirt and become supervillain. Hulk wonder if this lasting proof that radiation understood only naively at this point in history. These days Hulk think that Radioactive Man owning large portion US Debt more worrisome than death by cancer. Also think it very suspicious that man from China look so much like love child of Jolly Green Giant and Baron Von Raschke.

RAMA TUT--Hulk learn recently that popular destination for time travelers is ancient Egypt. Hulk wonder why? Hulk think he travel in time once. Hulk spin around very fast, get dizzy, maybe black out, and wake up in future!

RANGERS--Why Hulk get saddled in early 80's with being try-out book for every lame idea Marvel has? Rangers good example. Want to be Avengers for American Southwest and fight crime in area that is largely desert. Hulk suspect they Minutemen and attempt to stop illegal immigration, which Hulk find suspect since Firebird am Hispanic.

RECORDER--Recorders stupid and annoying. Hulk find them fun to smash and get them to shut up. Hulk not understand why it necessary to build recorder in shape of man. Hulk's Walkman is compact and he have fanny pack to carry all Hulk's mixtapes with his number one jams. Hulk currently rocking out to Lady Gaga. Hulk sometimes think Lady Gaga is also Hulk.

RED GHOST--Hulk not surprised that Red Ghost evil communist scientist--them all over the place. Hulk fund very dubious, however, that Red Ghost parlay Marxist intangibility into career where he hangs out with monkeys. Michael Jackson hang out with monkey--look how he turn out.

RED SKULL--Red Skull Nazi shithead and Captain America's arch-nemesis. Hulk wonder why Captain America not just cut off head with shield like Baron Blood, but Captain America say that Red Skull is immortal example of the tyranny he always must fight against and cannot be killed, only resisted. Also, who Captain America fight instead? Batroc? He asshole.

RED WOLF--Red Wolf Wahoo McDaniel to American Eagle's Chief Jay Strongbow. Hulk wonder if Red Wolf catch hell from "fur is murder" people because he wear wolf pelt on head. Red Wolf carry stick into battle. Hulk is strongest one there is. Now who you going to call?

RHINO--Hulk not entirely understand the concept of Rhino. Big strong guy in suit with horn on head run at people and hurt them. Hulk think this shit be crazy. You super strong, Rhino! Why not hit people with cars, drop buildings on people? No wonder Spider-Man beat him up so often. Hulk understand now there is new Rhino now. He carry scythe. Hulk think this also rather stupid.

RINGMASTER--Hulk wonder who rock "jacket with stars first"--Ringmaster or Percy Pringle? Hulk not entirely sure why Ringmaster Hulk villain except creators at Marvel think Hulk too stupid and easily hypnotised by spinning disc thing on stupid hat. Hulk also think the notion that he can be hassled by circus insulting to Hulk's intelligence. But Hulk would love to have hat. Would hypnotise the shit out of people.

ROGUE--Hulk notice when Rogue turn good, she stop being ugly in a hurry. Cockrum draw her as strange diesel woman, Paul Smith draw her as cute and younger, Marc Silvestri draw her as smoking hot woman with mullet (Hulk not imagine that possible) and finally Jim Lee draw Rogue as titty delivery system for kids on cusp of adolescence. Hulk never be titty delivery system. He ask, Marvel say Hulk's cousin already cover that base.

ROM--Rom very popular, despite rights issues preventing reprints and the fact Rom head look like toaster. Hulk hit Rom frequently upside head, try to make toast come out--no toast. Many dents, no toast. Rick Jones--Hulk's best friend--follow around Rom for awhile. Rick also follow Captain Marvel and Captain America. Hulk doubts Rick's friendship, begin to wonder if Rick Jones is biggest superhero jock-sniffer in Marvel Universe.

RONAN THE ACCUSER--Ronan Kree, which make Hulk sleepy already because Kree boring as whale shit. Hulk read that Ronan have "Universal weapon," which look like hammer. Hammer not universal at all--hammer for hammering. Even Hulk know this.

SABRA--Hulk mildly annoyed having to job for Sabra, as she have all the powers of porcupine with a jetpack. Ahmed Johnson not have to job to Chyna, Hulk should not lose to Sabra. Hulk also dismayed to learn that Sabra become superhero because her family die in terrorist bombing, which make Hulk wonder that Marvel writers think bombings all that goes on in Israel. Hulk certain that only one facet of rich cultural tapestry of the country, not sure superhero comics the place where complex geopolitical issues should be handled. Hulk also wonder how he get polysyllabic today . . .

SABRETOOTH--This before Sabretooth have anything to do with Wolverine. Here he just minor pest for Iron Fist, which like being world's tallest midget. Hulk wonder why so many people named after animals wear big fur everywhere. Could just wear funny mask and same thing be accomplished.

SALEM'S SEVEN--Salem's Seven get stupid powers from devil. Some useful, like firing thorns or being super-strong, but Hulk wonder about woman who sell soul to run like gazelle. This only thing she wanted for soul? She argue down from strong bargaining position, like Democrats.

SANDMAN--Sandman annoy living hell out of Hulk in Spider-Man game. Hulk hit and hit and Sandman never lose health. Only after hours of trying did Hulk learn that you supposed to kick fire hydrant into Sandman's face and then Sandman die.

SASQUATCH--Sasquatch dick-riding Hulk, claiming gamma rays make him orange and hairy. This utter lie, as it soon revealed that Sasquatch possessed by ancient Canadian demons, which Hulk find confusing in terms of retcon. Hulk also find that period where Sasquatch a tranny upsetting on many levels. It strange--Hulk usually open to alternative lifestyles, Bi-Beast Hulk's best friend, after all, but Hulk find this story logic flawed, and blame Bill Mantlo.

SAVAGE LAND--Hulk feel like he miss out on Savage Land. Not sure he ever gone, unless Hulk did while time traveling. Hulk want to find dinosaurs and run around jungle naked like everyone else, but Marvel say "No Hulk, go walk around desert and fight Army like Hulk as for past 50 years. Hulk try to argue that open-ended military commitment like this lose public support rapidly, but Hulk better at smashing than making sociopolitical argument.

SAVAGE LAND MUTATES--Magneto need manpower, and it not like Savage Land have temp agency, so Magneto mess around with SCIENCE and make group of anonymous mooks. Hulk not sure what talking frog named "Amphibius" add to the cause of mutant rights, especially as Magneto already have Toad.

SCARECROW--Hulk not recognize the Master of Fear at all. Scarecrow seem to be D-list Captain America villain who become serial killer and the become passable Ghost Rider villain. Hulk never fight serial killers, and good thing--noirish world of grey not good fit for Hulk. Purple pants throw off delicate chiaroscuro scheme.

SCARLET SCARAB--Hulk have no idea who this is, but seeing that he appear in Invaders, Hulk going to just go ahead and assume that Scarket Scarab is off-brand version of another character, thank Wikipedia and blame Roy Thomas. Hulk cannot believe there are two Scarlet Scarabs, much less that he has never even heard of one of them.

SCARLET WITCH--Scarlet Witch power and character ill-defined and contradictory. Hulk suspect real power is looking hot in red leotard. Hulk try to wear red leotard once. Leotard rip, children cry. Hulk ruined Christmas parade that year and did time in county.

SCORPION--Hulk not sure when J. Jonah Jameson financed creation of Scorpion that he specified they put big green wiener on Scorpion's ass. Hulk would probably find incorrect wiener placement upsetting to and lash out at world that hated and feared him. But Hulk would wear red leotard, also. For modesty.

SENTINELS--Sentinels hunt mutants, but like Galactus eating planets, Hulk find their success rate wanting. Hulk led to understand however that they are big holy trinity of Marvel Vs. Capcom 2, along with Thanos and Magneto. Hulk in game, but considered bottom tier due to lack of beam spamming attacks. Hulk think that a lot of bullshit and want to smash fucking scrubs.

SENTRY--Kree stupid. Kree have giant robot and decide to leave it on "auto" instead of using giant robot to conquer Earth. When you not as smart as Rita Repulsa, you not qualified for space invasion.

SERSI--Hulk not certain when Sersi make jump from the Eternals' designated slut to Avenger who mind-meld with Black Knight and lead to alternate universe Black Knight trying to kill them both, but Hulk knows this: Basset hounds got long ears.

SHAMAN--It dismaying fact of life that comic creators lack light touch necessary to prevent ethnicity and sexual orientation from completely dominating a character. Shaman yet another example of this. Hulk sometimes wonder what more powerful--Shaman's medicine bag, which apparently do whatever plot requires, or Egg Shen's Six Demon Bag?

SHAMROCK--Shamrock gain powers by terrorist bombing, because all that ever happen in Ireland drunkenness, leprechaun on leprechaun crime, and IRA attacks, according to comics. Shamrock also gain luck powers by calling on spirits of dead Irish people, which very confusing explanation as opposed to doing it old-fashioned way and doing saving throw.

SHANNA THE SHE-DEVIL--Shanna Ka-Zar's wife, but no one care about Ka-Zar. Shanna run around in fur bikini, which obviously why Frank Cho make series where she runs about in even less. Hulk appreciate Frank Cho's desire to follow dream and hope one day he draw Hulk in fur bikini. Purple pants not always flattering to Hulk's package.

SHAPER OF WORLDS--Hulk not sorry at all about getting Shaper of Worlds on sex offender registry, even if it did mean Hulk had to snitch. Even Handbook seem judgmental about the whole thing--"in recent years, the Shaper has taken an apprentice, and Earth man named Thomas Gideon." Apprentice? Horseshit, Hulk say. All Hulk know is Shaper pick up Gideon in van with no windows, next thing Hulk knows Shaper caught in sting operation on "To Catch a Predator" and banned from all playgrounds.

SHE-HULK--Hulk sorry about Hulk Annual where Hulk got horny and tried to mate with and beat the shit out of She-Hulk. Hulk can only say he's sorry--Hulk and Paul Jenkins assumed that no one read Annuals and thus something this juvenile would slide past the boards. Hulk would hope Jenkins would conduct himself with more decorum, but Hulk read that Sentry one-shot and that not look likely. Hulk likes She-Hulk's legwarmers in the illustration--they remind Hulk of Michael Sembello's "Maniac." That song Hulk's #1 jam for a long time.

STAND BACK, VINNIE MAC--IT'S ALIENS!
R'ZAHN--If Hulk had nickel for every time imperialistic aliens come to Earth looking for trouble, it would do Hulk no good as Hulk has no pockets. That not point, though--Hulk run into a lot of alien conquerors and they never seem to learn lesson. Hulk try to appeal to logic, but when that fails, Hulk lay smackdown on their candy asses.

SAGITTARIANS--Hulk fascinated by Sagittarian look of big fin on head and handlebar mustache. Hulk think it look like deep sea fish fucked Civil War general.

SARKS--Apparently these not bad guys in Tron just background aliens Jim Starlin put in to slap Warlock around a few times. Hulk have difficulty with Tron--spent years yelling into calculators hoping little people inside would hear him.

SAURIDS--Hulk wonder if Dave Cockrum understand that "Ch'od" (pronounced "choad") mean something entirely different than "funny alien name." Hulk understand this topic is very sticky situation, so best not to poke bear.

SIRIS--Hulk not entirely sure what alien octopus hoped to gain by starting team of mutants and putting X-Men on trial and trying to nuke world, but alien logic not like our logic. Hulk hope one day our octopuses will be able to fight alien octopuses instead of predicting World Cup. Hulk believe in science, science and turkey sandwiches light of the world to Hulk.

SLIGS--Hulk find it strange that Sligs' cultural traits are "dedication and nobility" despite looking like tentacle rapists. Hulk guess you cultivate good personality when you look like something out of Overfiend.

SM'GGANI--OH GOD WHAT WRONG WITH YOUR FAAAAAAACE?!?

SOLONS--Solons come to Earth and make humans trip balls on days when John Byrne didn't really feel like plundering Fantastic Four character history and good thing, too. Hulk trip balls once--ever since then Hulk not get high by huffing at an oil derrick. Don't do it, kids.

Thanks, Hulk! God, you were frighteningly verbose and I was quite impressed with your not abusing the caps lock key! And wouldn't know it, we've come to the end of yet another exciting installment of the Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe. As always, if you'd like to contribute a guest entry and make my life easier by not having to come up about witticisms about Storm's mohawk, just drop a comment in the box and you'll show up next time.

And speaking of next time, join us here at the Prattle where we will round the 2/3 mark on the bizznatch with Issue 10--"From Shi'ar to Sub-Mariner." Worlds will live, worlds will die, and the Prattle will be 219 posts long!