Thursday, September 9, 2010

The Chris Claremont Angst Scale!

Inspired by the illustrious Diana Kingston-Gabai, who got me into this whole Blogger thing in the first place!

In past blog posts I have referred to a special unit of measurement in describing the relative dramatic angst that a certain character is feeling at given time, measured on a scale named after the master of exponential overwrought operatic angst himself, Chris Claremont.

We here at the University of Witless Prattle (Or as it is known by its alumni, "U Pratt") have been working painstakingly to create a workable metric for measuring angst, with the hope that with further research we can create a measurable metric for measuring angst and, it is hoped, eventually harness is it to solve our current energy crisis.

For example, did you know that scientists have hypothesized that the angst extracted from one issue of the "Fall of the Mutants" crossover could heat and cool a home for an entire year? I wouldn't have believed it myself had I not just had that particularly irrational thought fire through my synapses and compel me to type it out. I am a fallen creature, far from heaven, and not above the occasional cheap shot.

We are pleased to announce that we have succeeded. The Claremont Angst Scale will allow you, the consume to properly measure the amount of angst in a given situation, and also offer a selection of options whereby you might recognize the various symptoms exposure to Claremonts can cause. Like atomic power, Claremonts can be used for good or evil, and in either case, you don't really want any getting on you.

Oh yes, and I totally based this off the Wong-Baker FACES pain scale, so . . .I am both hilarious and educational.


0-No Angst: You are not important enough to be part of the supporting cast, nor be integral to a dangling subplot years in the making. You might as well not exist, except in a crowd shot.

2-Nagging Recurring Angst: While you're generally well-adjusted, there is a gentle melancholy that is always with you. Typically, this means even when you smile it's guarded and not quite sincere and you may try to numb it with drink or South African slang

4-Advanced Angst: There are people you love, but you can't touch them. If you open your eyes for a fraction of a second, you fear someone will die, and generally you feel strong, but not invulnerable. You always find the cloud in the silver lining and generally you beleive if everything isn't already in the toilet it soon will be so why bother. (See also Waters, Roger)

6-Persistent Habitual Angst: Misery grips your heart like a big fist and squeezes all the damn time. Typically this can be brought on by sudden changes, like instantly becoming a ninja, accidentally killing someone with an ultra-energy plasma bolt, or selling your soul to demons to kill the woman you were cloned from that your husband left you for. Or maybe you just feel awful because your crazy-ass rookie Cheyenne team member thought it would be a good idea to get into a fistfight with a jet. You are nigh-unbearable when angsting which is like, all the time now. Sufferers of Claremonts at such a high level may suffer a loss of friends and a breakdown of social contacts, as they enter magical gateways to get the hell away from your mopey ass

8-Fall of the Mutants: Oh God, everything sucks. Experiencing Claremonts on this level will cause all good and positive feeling in a human body to stop in a kind of absolute zero of misery. Ludicrous things begin to happen in the name of turning the screws of drama and plot, like everyone believing you died fighting an Indian stereotype in Dallas because you're too goddamned lazy to pick up the phone and let them know you're OK because it would get in the way of the drama. Sufferers of Claremonts at this level will typically fall into tortured repetitive plot patterns characterized by a feeling of joylessness, poor writing, and glacial, unfocused plotting and they can be easily recognied by their sombre, beaten expression and the huge amount of narrative captions that follow them wherever they go.

10-Scott Summers: Incurable case--do not approach. Sufferers at this level are generally considered to be the focused totality of misery experienced in this world, and if interacted with in any way, will potentially ruin your life--no quarter asked, none given. Sufferers freqently feel like they are welcomed into a world of pain and have no faith they will survive the experience and that life will frequently take their best shots at them and it will never be their turn, because no matter what you do it seems like you're a good ten years an one assassination away from the Sentinels taking over. Probably causes of angst at this level include abandonment by one or more parents, mind control, slavery, or gladitorial combat.

And that's the Claremont Angst Scale!


Diana Kingston-Gabai said...

Bravo! I have a feeling this will serve us well in the future. :)

(Little-known fact: the Claremont Scale includes a Level 11, which is the theoretical offspring of Scott Summers and Edward Cullen. If such an entity were to come into existence, it would serve as the physical incarnation of Sagittarius A, the donut hole in the center of our universe.)

Kazekage said...

I use the hell out of it in the Mad Men recaps. I could probably just as easily called it the Draper Scale, but I think some other site has the premiere Draper scale.

(And like poking at the donut hole in the centre of the universe, achieving it would cause the collapse of all reality.)