The Whole Damn Thing: THE OFFICIAL HANDBOOK OF THE MARVEL UNIVERSE (1983) #6

It came from the star to shoot the world, and like the unbeatable human spirit itself, it cannot be stopped. Yes, once again it is time for Witless Prattle's seemingly never-ending look at the original Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe. This time, we look at issue 6, "From Kang to Man-Bull."

One note before we get started: There are 15 of these things and I know that readers are fickle and also I may go completely insane before I reach the finish line. That said, in the name of keeping things interesting, keeping the public guessing, and keeping me from having a stroke while I try to find something funny to say about Vanguard, today, I'm mixing it up on yo' asses.

Yes, today, every entry is in the form of a haiku. For those of you who don't know, Haiku (Japanese for "haiku") is a form of poetry seventeen syllables long, typically (but not necessarily) in stanzas of five syllables, then seven, then five. It should also be said that I am not a poet, so this has the potential to be a hopelessly eccentric experiment doomed to fail and possibly desecrate an ancient art form, which is frankly more than I thought I'd get up to on a Monday. Let's go now! for great justice!

KANG--
Kang has no neck.
That may be why he gets beat
By the Avengers.

KANG'S TIME-SHIP--
I look at Kang's ship
And I can't help but wonder,
"How does that thing land?"

KARKAS--
Karkas has no chin.
Also, he looks like a giant
Red demon baby.

KARMA--
Karma was possessed
By a fat guy in a fez.
She got very fat.

KARNAK--
Not Johnny Carson.
He never had any slaves
But did hit people.

KARNILLA--
Gigantic hat means
You are big time in Asgard
You get into clubs.

KA-ZAR--
Ka-Zar has a knife,
But underneath his loincloth
True horror is found.

KILLER SHRIKE--
Tiny bird named Simon
How do you cross your arms with
Sharp blades on your wrist?

KINGPIN--
Frank Miller crosshatched
The living shit out of him.
Liefeld would love him.

KLAW--
The dish on his hand
And his lack of a nose means
Ultrasonic snot.

KNIGHTS OF WUNDAGORE--
Weaponised furries
Riding on atomic steeds
Will fuck your shit up.

KRANG--
The bowl on his head
Makes his troops snicker at him
And feed him pellets.

KRAVEN--
He blew his brains out
And rose from his grave because
He'd played Altered Beast.

KREE--
A head in a bowl
Told them to kick some Skrull ass
And tried to kill them.

KRO--
Nothing Deviant
About wearing sunglasses
He wears them at night.

K'UN LUN--
Iron Fist lived there
They kept him on a toolshed
That's where the tools go.

LEADER--
Big green head is smart.
Hulk hit eyeball man in eye.
Which do you bet on?

LIGHTMASTER--
Lightmaster was weak.
Same powers as a flashlight.
Why not turn him off?

LIVING LASER--
He keeps dying, so
Maybe he should just be called
a badass Death Ray?

LIVING MONOLITH--
Big Egyptian guy
Always wants to grab Havok
Not in that way, pervs.

LIVING MUMMY--
He can't talk too well
His mouth doesn't make any spit
Had to give up chaw.

LIVING TRIBUNAL--
Three faces judge you
The verdict is the same thing:
"Hey, smell my finger."

LIZARD--
Clad in purple pants,
What, do these scientists get
Them in bulk, or what?

LOCKJAW--
Lockjaw is a dog.
Hates the Inhumans, cuz he
Ain't down with slavery.

LOKI--
Loki is a dick.
"God of mischief" not that funny
Why keep trying, then?

MACHINE MAN--
His arms grow longer,
Keeps Jocasta's severed head
Bad combination.

MADAME MASQUE--
The mask never moves.
How does she eat and talk?
No wonder she's nuts.

MADAME WEB--
Spidey does the work
While she sits on her ass all day
He brings her Depends.

MADROX--
He splits when he's hit.
Name sounds like a laxative.
Eight years from coolness.

MAD THINKER--
Also-ran smart guy.
Tried to step to Reed Richards.
Jobbed like a punk bitch.

MAELSTROM--
His loincloth is weird.
Tries to be Thanos and fails.
Has gumdrop for hat.

MAELSTROM'S MINIONS--
One is known as Gronk?!?
Looks like a cheese wheel with legs.
Big fat sticky guy.

MAGGIA--
The comic book mob.
They commit crimes with robots.
Beat that, Godfather.

MAGNETO--
He wears a bucket.
It helps him to look younger.
And to puke into.

MAKKARI--
Another bucket?!
Mutants and space gods buy hats
From the Home Depot.

MAN-BULL--
Bull man in boxers
Might be a euphemism
I don't want to know.


17 SYLLABLES ABOUT ALIENS TIMES 10 EQUALS=?
KRYLORIANS--
Make fake Hulk porno
Get your ass retconned out
So why are you here?

KT'KN--
Shiny balls on legs
They called him the Faceless One
Well, no shit, Sherlock

LANDLAKS--
Spotted balding guys
Taken over by Terrax
Very scared of rocks.

LAXIDAZIANS--
Jim Starlin again
Drunk, generally useless trolls
Hung out with Warlock.

LEVIANS--
Blew up their planet.
Moral about humans is
Subtle as a brick.

MAKLUANS--
Dragon men has rings.
Mandarin stole them, went bad.
Thanks a lot, assholes.

MARVANITES--
Assholes from Mawlnof
The Thing drove them off with many
Delicious fruit pies.

MEGANS--
Old school aliens!
One-eyed with sucker fingers!
Fight with giant beasts!

MEKKANS--
He was called Torgo
Not the one from Manos, though
This one's a robot.

MEPHITISOIDS--
Naked skunk-women
Launched a million furry sites
It's not Cockrum's fault.

And that's it for this time. Now I have to think of something even crazier to pull next time I need to slide a joker in the deck to keep y'all reading. Be here next time for a great big ol' shot of vitamin M! "From Mandarin to Mystique" an educational journey that'll make you laugh, make you cry and maybe--just maybe--teach you a little something about yourself.